Connecting in a Zuckerberg world

The Social Network is one of my favourite movies. I relate to it because it’s a movie about connections, a deep seated human need to connect to others and find common ground in shared experiences. Mark Zuckerbeg understood that and created a tool that magnified it on a grand scale. Facebook has allowed us to connect in ways never imagined. But I also see it as a cautionary tale. The reality is that Zuckerberg spends most of his time NOT connecting in the real world. He eats sleeps, breathes Facebook and nothing else. He has created a network of over 500 million users but is known to spend 16 hour days at work staring at his computer. His single mindedness is impressive. It’s made him a very rich man and there is no doubt, his ‘invention’ has had a profound impact on our world. But the real world, with all its unpredictability and uncertainty is far more interesting. And here’s how I discovered that;

For a long time, all I could think about was having a baby. It was all that mattered. I was unhappy in my career, but it didn’t matter because I was going to be a mother. There was nothing more important to me. Nothing else mattered. I had put all my eggs in the proverbial basket.

When it didn’t happen, I had nothing else. I found myself isolated from friends who had kids. I felt like they were all part of a club whose membership I was denied. I longed to connect on that level and share in the experience of motherhood. The need to connect and experience what my mommy friends were experiencing was so powerful that it often made it impossible to be around them.

It was nobody’s fault. It was my human nature telling me that sharing common experiences was very important to me. It also meant that I was far more complex than my ability to reproduce.

Slowly but surely, I found ways to connect beyond my reproductive instincts! I began to see the beauty and magic in the new bright little people that are now part of our amazing group of friends. I have marvelled at their growth, discovered what makes them laugh, and can’t wait to discover who they grow up to be.

I will never stop valuing the importance of human connection. Nic and I recently saw U2 perform live in Montreal. It was a magical, almost spiritual experience. Listening to one of the greatest bands of our generation with 80,000 people is indescribable, a once in a lifetime event. That night I forgot about the year’s difficulties, the setbacks, all of life’s unfair realities.

Nic took this photo that night. I’ve looked at it often. I like to think that those 80,000 people helped remind me of what’s important.

The Voice

I like trying new things. That said trying new things means I am often confronted with equal amounts of excitement and fear. They say that’s healthy. I say that’s annoying.

I participated in my first triathlon this past Saturday. It was an incredible experience, far more mental than physical. When it was over, I was elated, blown away by the idea that I had it in me to do it.

But it almost didn’t happen.

The night before, I was overwhelmed by fear. Fear of the unknown.. I’m comfortable with road races; I know what to expect. Show up, pick up race kit, eat a good breakfast, get dressed, show up at the start line, run, cross the finish line, eat a bagel.

This time around, I didn’t know what to expect. Would I get elbowed in the water? Would I find my bike? Would I accidently get disqualified? I was so scared of the unknown that I almost talked myself out of competing. I convinced myself that it was easier to quit than to live through the unknown.

The same almost happened with IVF. When we first found out it was our only way to conceive, I was naïve about the process. When I better understood the procedures and risks, I panicked. I was scared about changes to my body, scared about not controlling the outcome, scared of the impact on my marriage. I resisted and tried to convince myself that it was safer to quit than to live through a process fraught with unknowns and changing circumstances. I could avoid pain, sadness and stress by not going through with it. I could find comfort in the voice that tells me to avoid the risk.

I didn’t play it safe this weekend. I competed, I pushed myself, I surprised myself and I lived a very unique experience. I’m grateful that I ignored that voice who wanted me to play it safe.

I’m thankful that I ignored it again when I agreed to put my body in the hands of science in the hopes of having a baby. It took a leap of faith, and a belief that no matter what happens; it pays to lean into life.

These two experiences, albeit, very different in nature have changed me. That voice isn’t silent, I expect to hear from it soon, but it’s going to a pleasure to tell it that I’m too busy to talk this time.

Poking the bear

Poking the bear is defined by the Urban Dictionary as “to act in such a way that has a good but not definite chance of causing trouble.”

My friend Jen pointed out to me a few years ago that Nic and I have a playful way of teasing each other.  As she described it, we like to provoke each other to see what we can get away with. When we first met, I was a very serious person. There was a time
for laughter but most of of the time, life had to be taken very seriously.

I’ve learned thanks to Nic that to be happy you have to laugh, and you have to laugh often.   And because it’s always done in the spirit of
respect and good fun, there is endless potential for laughs when you can tease your best friend.

Well, that good fun came to end today.

An anticipated side effect of my current medications is moodiness.  I figured it would manifest itself slowly, subtly over the next few weeks.
Nope, today, the bear is pissed about being poked (and being bloated).

As if possessed, I made it very clear that I am no longer liable for my reactions to being teased. Instead, I explained, the bear should be fed, hugged, taken shopping (see previous post) and under no circumstances should it be provoked!

Welcome to the zoo, where it's ok to feed the animals!

Shop while my body pops

I want to shop. You see, shopping and I are childhood friends. As a kid, our family outings revolved around shopping. My parents were not like parents today. We went where THEY wanted to go. And on weekends, that meant Ottawa and the brand new Rideau Centre. I remember countless Friday nights wandering through Ottawa's magazine stores or trying on itchy, uncomfortable, overpriced kids clothes. When we travelled to Toronto, we didn't visit the CN Tower, we visited the Eaton Centre.

It probably had something to do with my grandfather, Eli, owning a clothing store. My mom spent her childhood visiting Montreal and Toronto's garment districts. As a result, we spent alot of time tryin on dresses, sweaters, hats, shoes and more dresses. Accomplishments were celebrated with new outfits; breakups were comforted by new clothes. As an adult, I fight the urge to hit the mall when my mood dictates. Sometimes I'm a winner, other times I'm @ Winners.

These days, the urge is deafening. You see, my body is changing. Daily hormone shots and pills are contributing to some welcomed and not so welcomed changes. Nic would like for me to mention my boobs. There, I mentioned it, moving on.

What's different about my need to shop these days, "need" being the operative word, is that I'm not coveting shoes and cute dresses, no, I'm thinking elastic bands and jersey t-shirts! Anything to avoid spending they day at my desk with the top button of my pants undone as I did today.

I wonder if my mom knows any good stores?

CONTROL?

I like being in control. I like to know where I'm going and have an active role in getting there. Admitidley, I'm a terrible backseat driver. Turn left, turn right, slow down, speed up, stop here, go there and on and on an on. In our 7 years together, it's a wonder Nic hasn't once pulled over the car and asked me to get out. I would have!

It's not easy for someone like me to feel a lack of control. It unsettling. But as I get older, I learn to appreciate that the sky won't fall if I'm not on top of everything. The IVF process has been a test There are many unknowns and I can't control the outcome. But I can, and have been, getting my body ready for it's own science experiment.

I'm lucky that we found a friend in Benny who helped Nic and I rediscover the enjoys of exercising (and for helping us rediscover our slimmer bodies!) I'm thankful that it's July and the local markets are full of fresh organic vegetables. A shout out to Chris Penton who runs the Preston Market! love my Saturday visits where I see friends, meet local farmers and come home with bags full of eats! (It's nice when I can satisfy a shopping urge with healthy foods instead of new shoes.)

I'm fortunate to live in Ottawa with its' amazing bike paths and its proximity to my family's cottage. And I am most grateful for the life Nic and I have built and the new lifestyle we've adopted.

So the reality is I have a lot of control over this phase of my life..... except when Nic's driving.

July 22, 0.5ml Suprefact @ 6:30 pm

And that's how our weekend started. Well, it was me in our room. Danny Michel was there too on my iPod.

Most people make babies the old fashion way. And most people don't blog about the process because let's face it, it would be really awkward and most certainly qualify as a career limiting move.

But Nic and I are not like most people. We started trying for a family back in 2008. Really excited, full of hope, on our honeymoon in Turkey actually. I believed that as a successful, well adjusted adult, I could achieve anything I wanted if I was committed, determined and consistent. At 35 years old I learned an important life lesson, there are times, that no matter how badly you want something, life says " sorry, it ain't going to happen the way you want it to"

And so, we can't have children the conventional way, but we can turn to science and innovation and have our own Chemical Romance.

I'm starting this blog for a few reasons. Before I explain, I should add that it's not my intention to use this blog to complain about the process. We both made our peace a long time ago that this not our preferred option. This is my path and I'm starting this journey with eyes wide open. I am interested in sharing my experience because most people don't know details of the IVF process. I've been inspired by our friends and family who want to better understand how it works, what it means for us and how soon it will be before we can share more details.

Second, I'm a science geek. I had a microscope at 8 years old and my own telescope by age 10. I am fascinated by human innovation. Dr. Robert Edwards many years ago began studying fertilization and thanks to man's innovative spirit, found a way to create a life using science.

That's just really cool!