The Voice

I like trying new things. That said trying new things means I am often confronted with equal amounts of excitement and fear. They say that’s healthy. I say that’s annoying.

I participated in my first triathlon this past Saturday. It was an incredible experience, far more mental than physical. When it was over, I was elated, blown away by the idea that I had it in me to do it.

But it almost didn’t happen.

The night before, I was overwhelmed by fear. Fear of the unknown.. I’m comfortable with road races; I know what to expect. Show up, pick up race kit, eat a good breakfast, get dressed, show up at the start line, run, cross the finish line, eat a bagel.

This time around, I didn’t know what to expect. Would I get elbowed in the water? Would I find my bike? Would I accidently get disqualified? I was so scared of the unknown that I almost talked myself out of competing. I convinced myself that it was easier to quit than to live through the unknown.

The same almost happened with IVF. When we first found out it was our only way to conceive, I was naïve about the process. When I better understood the procedures and risks, I panicked. I was scared about changes to my body, scared about not controlling the outcome, scared of the impact on my marriage. I resisted and tried to convince myself that it was safer to quit than to live through a process fraught with unknowns and changing circumstances. I could avoid pain, sadness and stress by not going through with it. I could find comfort in the voice that tells me to avoid the risk.

I didn’t play it safe this weekend. I competed, I pushed myself, I surprised myself and I lived a very unique experience. I’m grateful that I ignored that voice who wanted me to play it safe.

I’m thankful that I ignored it again when I agreed to put my body in the hands of science in the hopes of having a baby. It took a leap of faith, and a belief that no matter what happens; it pays to lean into life.

These two experiences, albeit, very different in nature have changed me. That voice isn’t silent, I expect to hear from it soon, but it’s going to a pleasure to tell it that I’m too busy to talk this time.